January 05, 2009

My Extra Dimension

I have severe alcohol poisoning. Last night was a night of drinking to get wasted. Vodka, rum, whiskey. We finished it all up. My stomach unpleasantly contracts and I kept throwing up even the little water I tried to drink. I lie in bed all day.

My friends call. Come eat something.

I eat my first meal in 24 hours. We ordered in.

I am silent today. I don't respond to the good-natured teasing like how I normally would. I feel quite content and extremely drained. I feel.. slow.

Have you noticed how she's not herself? She didn't yell even once. She didn't even roll her eyes. And, and look, she's not spilling any of her food. She's sitting like a lady.

No, they tell me as I mildly protest. You're different somehow today. It's like the neurons that normally fire so bloody fast and frenzied aren't.

Probably destroyed by the alcohol, I joke. They don't laugh.

You're not even feeling insulted. You're more like us today. You are normal today.

Normal. Am I normal? This is not normal for me.

Yes, but now you're normal like all of us.

All of them. Five other girls in the room. I study them quietly. All so different from each other. Intelligent, pretty, funny girls, each incredibly talented. They are all grouping themselves together. They consider themselves “us”. As against me.

Now maybe you'll actually have to study to pass. Maybe for once you'll fail and know how it is to study so hard and not remember during exams.

Don't say that, I reprimand. Quite gently. That's all. I realize I really am not being myself. I know how I would have reacted to that. I would have said, you're such a bunch of bitches. How dare you want me to fail? I'm your friend, you should be happy that I pass. Do you know how it feels to want to study but be unable to sit down even for ten minutes? There's so much more to life than these stupid exams. So much more. People are so made for so much more... we all are. Don't you get it?

I would have gone on and on, explaining stuff that they wouldn't understand, or didn't want to. But I stay silent today.

Maybe I have an extra dimension, I suggest. That just got ripped off with the excessive alcohol toxins in my brain.

That's what I've always thought, she blurted without thinking. I've always thought you had that additional dimension that made you so... so... I don't know... psychotic and quick and over-reacting. This is how it is for us. Life is really this slow. That's why we are not bored all the time like you are.

There is a pause, a dreaded silence, an expectation of a tremendously emotional outburst from me, the breaking of a dam.

My mind wanders.

I do have another dimension. It's not something that makes me smarter, though. It's this capacity to feel. To feel so much that it colors everything I do. To feel so much that I react violently to every situation, even my education, which doesn't seem to matter like it does to everyone else. My extra dimension. It interferes with every little part of my life.

One of my favorite things to do is put myself in the place of someone, anyone and actually know how it is to be them. Imagine for instance, being a girl of seventeen in the Victorian age. I imagine how my long dress would feel like. My legs would be constantly sweating of course, because of the yards of material around it. All the other girls would be sweating too. Everyone would sweat. There was no air-conditioning or fans. I'd imagine all the things I would say to my parents and my little sisters, and what my social rank would be. I imagine the balls, the handsome man everyone wants me to marry, but whom I'm completely unattracted to. I imagine being unhappy at a time when depression was unheard of, and definitely not for women. I imagine not being able to quiet my spirit by playing basketball or writing sad poems or bawling on the phone to startled friends. I imagine thinking, this is how women should be. We should suffer because that is how we are made. Then I get all sad and weepy, and lie crying for ages, when in reality I'm me, not this tragic maiden I made up in my head who lived so long ago. It's my special dimension acting up.

My friends are careful what they say to me. They measure every word because they know it means a very different thing to me. It means more than it does, more than it possibly could. If they tell me I'm unladylike when I drop food, they know to me, it is an insult to my very being. It is an insult to my childhood and my parents because it means they didn't bring me up well. It means they are cursing my life and its existence. They are saying, I wish your mom strangled you as a child so you didn't have to grow up to be so ungraceful. I will be up in an instant, raging and spitting foul language at them for no reason they can think of. My dimension is killing me.

After sleeping tonight, my neurons will probably regenerate and I'll be myself again. 

But today. 

Today, I'd like to say thank you to everyone for letting me be.

Today I'm normal.

Today, I'm not me.


Kid Dork said...

You know, it's odd, but you crystallized some thoughts I've been having lately. I think alcohol does cut away a very important part of yourself after the fact. Sure, you feel great when you're getting pissed, you're on fire, you can take on the world, but to everything there is a cost. The next day is when you pay it. While most people just shuffle through their hangovers and headaches, I often feel like there's a part of me that I can't reach, that I'm not entirely there. A few alcohol free days later, and the door opens up again, and I'm me.

Kid Dork said...

It's funny, but I feel the same way. I think alcohol does cut you away from yourself. Maybe not when you're getting pissed, because you're on fire, you can take on the world, but to everything there is a cost. And you pay it the next day.

While most people wander through their hangovers, I think some of us feel a part of us closed off, like we're not really ourselves. A few alcohol free days later, the door opens again.

Again, that's my take on it. But I am old and often full of shit.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha... you know much better than I do... :), im full of shit too :P

Djarabia said...

Its like Beyonce sayin her alter ego is Sasha Fierce... for u its like... hmmm i dont know...

vjcvjcvjc said...

deep... true... thought provoking..

Anonymous said...

Thanks Vik... I know you're a lil like me too :)

vjcvjcvjc said...

:) a bit... but not too much..:)

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