December 23, 2008

Aunty From Hell ∼ An Indo-American Mini Soap Opera

Background: Most people the family haven't seen Bublee Aunty for the past ten years or so, and anyway, the kids don't remember her at all. She left for the States when her children were really small, and now they are grown up and all over the place. Pychotic Niece is a college girl but has lived in the U.S at some time previously and thinks she knows everything about life and its meaning. Stuff in brackets () is thoughts.
Suggestion: Whenever Psychotic Niece thinks, imagine a close up of flashing black eyes coated in thick blue mascara.

At the Airport
Uncles and Aunties:(Proud and jealous all at once) Arre, Bublee. You are looking so nice yaar.
Bublee Aunty:(Proud and merciful all at once) Thank you, thank you. I went to Florida for the summer. I needed to get a tan. Came out quite nicely na?
Pyschotic Niece: (What the hell? This woman is burnt so badly and she wants a tan? What, she thinks she's white or something? Indians don't need tans! I knew she was going to be like this. I shouldn't have come. What was I thinking? Man, I wanna barf right now. Or fall off a cliff in Florida and die. Do they have cliffs in Florida?)

After a Heavy Breakfast
Bublee Aunty: Okay, my little ones. I brought lots of nice, nice things from America for you.
Children: Yeah, thank you aunty. American presents!!!
Smart Boy: I want the most expensive thing in the suitcase.
Pychotic Niece: (Yeah, bullshit. I bet she bought clothes and toys from those nasty American wholesale stores, the ones that have large-scale sweatshops in India and China. They are such cheap shit. Does she think we're so ignorant that we won't know that? Look at all these kids clammering around her. Will they even look at her if she was poor? No, if they saw her walking on the road they would laugh and howl because she's so fat. Oh, what a materialistic world we live in. And this woman from America is promoting this. In her own family. We are all doomed.)

After a Short Pause
Smart Boy: I love this shirt Aunty. But can I have another one? This one says Made In India.

Long Pause

Bublee Aunty: Arre babba, spelling mistake. It's supposed to say Made in Indiana. That's where I live. I brought it all the way specially for you.
Aunties and Uncles laugh, but in barely- concealed indignation. All things from America should say Made in China. Only that was acceptable.

Psychotic Niece: (All my suspicions are confirmed. God must be laughing at us. An Indian toils in sweatshop and a multi-national company pays sackloads of money to transfer it to the U.S just so that another Indian lady can buy one on a 50% discount for her Indian nephew back in India. It's so messed up. I can imagine how she packed her suitcase. Just before she left from her posh home in her small-town suburb, she must have said, what can I get those poor, unfortunate people living in India? Then I bet she went to the flee market and bought the first things she saw. Yuck.)

Lunch Time
Bublee Aunty: (eagerly, to make people jealous again) Let us all go out to eat. It will be my treat. To celebrate Diwali. It will be really nice.
Aunties and Uncles: (eagerly, like they never ate out five times a week) Yes let's all go. We can buy firecrackers also on the way back. (Diwali is eight months away but who cares? You're the rich one who lives in Indiana. Bring on the dollars baby)
Bublee Aunty: Let's see, we can go to that Bhavan place. The one near the govt. College.
Psychotic Niece: (I knew it. She has the money to take us to the Taj if she wanted to, but being a cheap bitch, she wants to take us to some place like that shitty vegetarian restaurant. She won't take us somewhere outrightly awful, but just barely respectable enough to cover her fat ass.)

Timid Other Aunt: But... But... the children all like chicken very much. Maybe... we... can go somewhere better... like the Taj... special occasion na? What with Diwali and all? (Even Timid Aunt thought the same as Psychotic Niece, then.)

Short Pause

Bublee Aunty: Arre, didn't I tell you in the e-mail? I have become a vegetarian. For past two years, I haven't even eaten eggs.
Psychotic Niece: (You're vegetarian? YOU are vegetarian? From what ANGLE are you vegetarian? You don't look it. Your cheeks touch your collar-bone. You lie.)

At the Shitty Veg Restaurant
Bublee Aunty to Timid Aunt: You should do yoga, dear. Keeps my figure in shape.
Timid aunty: (I do NOT want your figure) Oh, okay. I forgot that you told me Guru Miwaoifkappa has relocated to America. I didn't know he lived in Indiana. You are so lucky. He is known for his yoga all over the world now.
Bublee Aunty: (with a shudder) Oh no, no. I go to a modern yoga class. It involves some cardio workout and involves pilates and strip-teasing also


Psychotic Niece: (I would have sued.)
Timid Aunty: That sounds very nice. More payasam?
Bublee Aunty: Yes please. SLURP

Looking Through Old Photos
Timid Aunty: Oh look, Bublee in college.
Psychotic Niece: Oh God, she looks EXACTLY like me
Timid Aunty: Didn't your mother tell you? Bublee looked just like you when she was younger. Spoke the same, even dressed the same way. (You'll probably turn out just like her too.)
Bublee Aunty: Yes, you are my favorite niece because you are JUST LIKE ME. See, I bought you a nice Louis Vuitton bag as a special present.
Psychotic Niece: Aaaaaaaaaaargggghh (runs out screaming and starts a charity home for old people in the middle of the African desert)

Moral: If you somehow manage to get a look at your Future, pack up and run like Hell. It might be the only way out.


Pavitra Ramkumar said...

hahah.....too good....lovely piece of work...kept me in splits....wonderful..!! lol..!!

Jamie said...

Loved the story!

Artemis said...

Awesome writing, this was. Loved it ^_^

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