November 07, 2008

Things NOT to Say Around Fat Girls

Note: Most of this is true. It happened to me.

While shopping at the mall, and she needs to pick up underwear. Don't say, even if you are really concerned, “Hmmm, aren't those a little bit small for you? They must be really stretchable, huh”. No, they are just the right size, and no, the elastic does not wear out after one go. And no, no, NO, we don't sneak back in the middle of the night to exchange these for a much, much larger size. We are not made that way. We sleep quite well, and most of the time we snore.

On the same vein, while shopping for clothes, and you stop to check out some stuff. If she really, really likes a shirt, don't start yelling to the shop guy at the top of your voice, “Hey, do you have an extra large in that?”. When we say we like that top, we mean that we are quite confident that it will fit and that we will look pretty good in it.

When eating at the mall, and she asks you if you want dessert, don't say, “Down girl! Damn, you need to watch them thighs.”. Not only will she order dessert for both of you, she will throw yours on your smug little thin face, eat hers up till the plate is dry and leave you to pay. She'll also order five different types of chocolate things to take away so you better have a full wallet. Fat does not mean stupid.

When she's hurrying quickly across the sports store without looking up at the treadmills, dumbbells, jump ropes, etc, that means that you should hurry with your face averted too. It isn't a good time to say, “Hey babe, wanna see how much you weigh?”. She will stop, turn around and abruptly sit on your dessert-coated sorry face. After abruptly putting a towel on it of course. That will be the Exercise of the Day. And a job well done. Hmpfh.

When she sees you looking at a SLIGHTLY thinner girl, try not to say, “Whaaat? You look sooooo much better than THAT anorexic bitch!” Not only will she instantly know that you are a lying cheat and a moron and a loser and a messed-up-fake-shallow-lover-of-skinny-chain-smoking-cheap-hoes, she will also start stress-eating. A lot. Immediately. AND casually while holding a giant chicken leg in one hand, she'll dunk your flattened, butterscotch-cake-covered face in the toilet. Yeah. That will hurt, won't it. So don't dare do that roving eye act around her. Fat girls are strong.

And finally, here are a list of things that only require the word “No”. Mindlessly.
Do you think I'm not thin?
Do you think this dress makes me look too, you know, not thin?
Do you mind if I take some/all of your chicken?
Do you mind if I take some/all of your pudding?
Do you mind if I, uh, have some more of your chicken? And your pudding?
Do you like thin girls?
Do you think I'm thin? (STOP! Trick question! Fat girls can be cunning too.)

Remember, fat girls are human. We have feelings, emotions and larger-width mirrors. Give us our due. Or at least give us our daily bread. With a triple order of fries and four large Cokes.

1 comment:

Chaotically Calm said...

LMAO..can I have some of your chicken...too friggin funny!

Post a Comment