November 22, 2008

10 Answers to Is There a God?

1. Drunk Friend at Bar: Dude, why are you asking me this? You always come up with some weird, deep-thought shit to ruin my fun. I don't know, man. Hell, I don't care. I think I'm like an anogonistic or whatever. Wait. Sometimes I talk to God though. Usually while chewing E so I guess that's not valid. Anyway, screw it. Beer?
(I think he meant "agnostic". We downed a couple of drinks and I left with a headache and a new word.)

2. Small Pimply Indignant Righteous Girl: How can you ask me that? Of course I believe in God. I go to church on Sunday. It is Obligatory. I say the Rosary and Novena everyday. One bended knees. I never open more than one eye, and that's only to make sure the family is watching. See this Scapular around my neck? I know my Catechism teacher told you to secretly spy on me. Well, go back right now and tell her that I have not failed in my Christian duties. I will be like Mother Mary till the end, even when I am no longer young and beautiful but old and boring with tremors and severe depression. Too bad for all those lowly shitheads who only care about lip gloss and handbags. They'll wind up in Hell. Oh shit, I just said "shitheads". Now I have to go do forty days of penance for bad language. This is your fault. You make me sick. For all this, I'll go to Heaven when I die and God will give me more gold than that silly boy next door who lives with his alcoholic mother. He doesn't even know Psalm 293.
(I need to find that Catechism teacher and tell her something's wrong somewhere but I don't know what. It might have been that kid's extreme paranoia… or maybe just her voice. Pretty nauseating child. And greedy as hell.)

3. Guy on the Pavement: A divine secret is about to be revealed in this place. I AM He you are looking for. I AM God. And I'll grant you just one favor for thousand bucks. In cash. I don't give credit. And there's extra if you want something from out of town or if it's non-materialistic or worth more than fifty bucks.
(I searched my pockets. Only five bucks. He'll have to wait till I save up and get back. I really need some aspirin.)

4. Desperate Housewife: Yes, there is a God. He gave me children and an amazing husband. My husband is cheating, and the kids are retarded, but at least we have a roof over our heads. Even though we live with my parents and they stay at the old-age nursing home. Hubby cheats on me because I don't deserve him. God gives us suffering so we become better, you know. Then we can suffer more. I believe so strongly in overcoming our trials so we become able to experience greater and more violent tribulation. I enjoy the heartbreak, I say, bring it on, because it is good and beautiful and pure.
(She is crazy, that lady. I didn't like her version of God. It sounded kind of desperate, if you know what I mean.)

5. Pretty Girl with 1000 Piercings: There is the One, and He lives across town. And we too can become the One, but we have to pay him to go through every step. And you have to get a piercing everytime. It's to allow the Meevatron particles to come from Up Above and get conducted through the piercings. The Particles are part of the Unknown Secret Plot to Make People Think Meevatrons Actually Exist. We eventually have so many piercings that we give up and just become Silver People. The One is the Great Silver Person. He has 73829 piercings and only listens to Hilary Duff. Want to join us? There are seven of us in this congregation. We alone know The One is The One. Others just think he's out to make money because he owns a silver shop.
(I think I'll pass on this Scientology off-shoot sect. But I know now where to go for a piercing. Just follow the Meevatrons.)

6. Junkie Traveler Dude:
God is in the sunrise
God is in the wind
God is in the ocean
God is in the rind
God is in the tallest mountain
God is in the apple pie
God is in the red bean bag
God is in the moldy rye
(There were 68 more verses but I walk away. I can't bear obscurity. And I really can't bear lame rhyming "Cat with a Hat on a Mat" poetry. Jeez man, go spoon the moon in June or something.)

7. Stoned Guy: No. No God. All life is an illusion. This world, this very universe you think exists, is an illusion. These books are an illusion. This table is an illusion. You are an illusion. See, I can put my hand right through you and you won't even know it.
(He tries to grab me then. Stupid asshole. I don't think he was that stoned. I don't even think he knew what "illusion" meant. Stupid asshole)

8. Intelligent Emo Girl in a Dark Scary Room: This life is meaningless. Where was God when they gang-raped that little kid? Where was God when plague wiped out millions of European lives? Where was God when they decapitate soldiers fighting for the only thing they believe in and made videos of them dying? Was God sitting on a rollercoaster and looking the wrong way? Was he eating burgers and telling funny stories to the Angels? No. He cannot exist. No one can willingly be silent, knowing that there is so much cruelty and pain in the world. This life, therefore, is an accident. It is worthless. I reject it.
(She swallows a pill, turns blue and dies. I hold her body and weep.)

9. Football Jock/Captain of the Basketball Team/Lowest SAT score Guy: Like, there's a God, see. I mean, like, he's this big guy with a beard and like, a white long dress and all. And, like, he wears this huge crown thing, and he kinda is, like, the ruler of the world. Like, he can point his finger, and totally like zap you off the planet. Sometimes, like, he can zap like a hundred people at the same time. Cool, yeah? I need to, like, get some ass now. All this talking has got me, like, totally, like, you know, horny.
(Dude, read a book some time. They have pages and things and you find them at stores. I turn to leave and immediately get crushed under the stampeding, squealing, cheerleader-like girls rushing to fulfill his needs. Bad.)

10. The Crow: I think God exists. If only because you need an incredibly smart person to make such incredibly stupid humans. It's so much easier to believe in The Creator than that I came from a monkey or sea-weed. There is so much we do not know.

3 comments:

aura said...

i like intelligent emo girl
n the small indignant girl better not be me

sharath krishnaswami said...

i dunno where you got your inspiration from to write this but it was amusing! sounded western when you spoke of the football fellow and the piercings girl..

The Crow said...

Dear Aura, of course she is you. Who else can it be.
And Sharath, i get my inspiration from the very insipid mediocrity of which i am an integral part of :)

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